Chapter XXXIII - Book of Terrene
Updated: Aug 18, 2020
Another year has passed and I want to express my gratitude. Grateful for the people in my life, no matter what capacity, who have added such alacrity to my soul. Some I've known since the 3rd grade, some only in the past few years, some I've never met in person, and some I just never have the opportunity to see. It's easy to get sidetracked by life's trials, perhaps even forget just how many peoples lives you've touched or all the good they've done for you. Especially in times like this, it's easy to feel alone.
I only have EIGHT DAYS left before I'm officially declared cancer-free and let me tell you, it's given me a whirlwind of emotions the past few weeks. I have an ultrasound and bloodwork this week to confirm everything and I'm always terrified it could be bad news. When I was told those three awful words almost three years ago, it felt like a scene from a movie where the world starts spinning around me and sound becomes temporarily muted. I wanted to curse, vomit, go to sleep, scream, cry; literally a whirlwind of every emotion devoid of happiness. My daughter was only ten weeks old, would she grow up without a mother? I was thirty when the tennis ball size tumor was removed from my neck, this was not in my life plan.
I remember being depressed for about a week, thinking that I may not get to do all the things in life that I wanted to do. That I may not see my son graduate college or be there to see my daughter open her own business, or witness either of them get married. It. scared. the. hell. out. of. me. It took me a while to realize that instead of sulking about the days I might not have, I should focus on each and every day that I do have. It changed how I did things daily, drastically. Suddenly, I had a bucket list. I didn't know what the future held, but I knew damn well I'd enjoy every minute... at least until, and if, anything decided to change.
One of the first things I knew needed to stop was my constant worrying. My goodness, I worried about so many things that weren't in my control. This is so very toxic, and I hadn't realized how much until I stopped doing it. It wasn't easy, but knowing I might've died certainly made letting go of certain things easier.
The second thing was ridding myself was any other negativity that might be lingering around, that includes people. Again, I'm grateful for every person in my life right now. Even for the bad ones. It's the bad ones that show you just how much you can appreciate the good ones. They teach you life lessons that can't otherwise be taught. And they allow you to grow armor, so that you can protect your mental and emotional health later. My grandma always said, "Take what you can from it, and discard the rest." Hurt people, hurt people. I realize, I'm in charge of my happiness, nothing and no one can change that unless I allow them to. And so the purge began.
Almost three years after my cancer diagnosis, I'm so unbelievably happy that it's hard to quantify. I've met amazing people on social media during my quest to promote my books. They know who they are, I never realized that social media could yield such amazing individuals that I could connect with! I'm humbled by each of you, thank you for showing me the world still has cupcakes and rainbows.
And out the strangest places, sometimes even the darkest, allies are found that you want to keep around forever. The inspiration, support, and shenanigans that have ensued are something I will never forget. I'm so grateful for all of you, thank you just being you, you complete me!